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Because The Internet Screenplay - Part 4
Childish Gambino





The Boy wakes up. He's in a gown. His eyes feel heavy. The TV is on in his room. Golden Girls to be specific. One of the ladies just said something funny cause there's a lot of laughter

Sitcom laughs always freaked him out. Because most of those people are dead. Those are ghost laughs. Laughs that are supposed to be gone forever linger on earth after every mid 90s joke about teenage sex or someone saying don't go there. Looking for their mouths, never finding them because they're gone. The laughs don't feel good because they're dead laughs. Those laughs aren't what they stood for anymore. They've been reappropriated. Now they're just sounds monkey descendants make when amused to cue other monkey descendants when to make the sounds at home

...my eyes feel heavy

A nurse comes in

WHITE GUY NURSE: Hello Mr.[EDIT]. How are you feeling?

THE BOY: Like I'm about to get talked to by someone about- (gestures) All this

Nurse gives a yep look

WHITE GUY NURSE: You're friends brought you in-

THE BOY: They're not my friends

WHITE GUY NURSE: I don't think they'd like you saying that

THE BOY: Doesn't matter. It's the truth. But also, they know. We're not friends. There's a mutual benefit to our relationship, but I can't trust them for shit

WHITE GUY NURSE: Then why save you?

THE BOY: Cause their lives are far easier with me around. It's survival

WHITE GUY NURSE: I think you should talk to someone

THE BOY: We're talking

WHITE GUY NURSE: A professional

THE BOY: Why? You don't care. You're not gonna make sure I do. (then) Our lives aren't precious, man

Silence. The Nurse begins to clean up


THE BOY: I was trying to be

WHITE GUY NURSE: No you weren't. Cause, guess what? It's not hard to do

Nurse leaves


The Boy walks out of the double doors. Steve, Swank, and Fam are sitting there. They look up wearily

THE BOY: I don't wanna talk. Let's just go be awkward and quiet together at Chipotle. Alright?

They all just stare. Swank gets up slowly and walks over

SWANK: Man...we didn't know if we should wait or tell you later, man

The Boy makes a [WHAT? EMOJI] face

SWANK (CONT'D): Man...your pops died, man. Got the call



(hum of a jet engine...)



The Boy lays his head against the plane window, the oil from his hair leaving grease smudges all over the window

His father died in Stockholm. A family member was needed. Didn't realize that they were each other's only family til this very moment. When you lose that, you basically lose most of your memories, at least the accuracy of your own memories

He wanted to be cremated

The Boy didn't really know anyone in Stockholm, but he also didn't want to be in his hotel room with his father for a day. Even if he was just ashes. So he decided to search through his followers for someone from Sweden

Some girl named Hello_Pity_ Dm'd him back and they were supposed to meet up after all the whatever he had to do. Her profile bio said she was half french. She looked pretty in her avi: an inverted Hello Kitty. But that really doesn't mean anything at all, especially since her instagram was blocked, which is something he's learned not to trust at all

So he looked through her tweets, figured out a night she went to a club, used one of his dummy profiles and pretended that they'd met at the club that night. She had trouble remembering because, according to her feed, she was fuckin turnt, [CRAZY TONGUE OUT EMOJI] lol. She added this made up dude as a friend on Facebook. Now The Boy could see her pictures

The rest of her pictures confirmed she was indeed pretty

This girl loves Justin Bieber though. New Justin Bieber. The fuck you Bieber. She loves Justin Bieber in the way you love that girl on Maury who's like my favorite flavor popsicle is DICK!, which is close to sincere love, but nowhere near it at the same time


The Boy is sitting at a desk, across from a solemn man. An urn sits on the left side of the desk

The man slides it over to The Boy

SOLEMN MAN: I'm sorry for your loss

Silence. Don't you have to ask someone before you cremate their father? I don't know how these things work

SOLEMN MAN (CONT'D): These were found with him

He gives The Boy a large brown paper bag


The Boy vapes on the foot of his bed. He's DMing back and forth with Hello_Pity_ whose real name is Alyssa

thegoldmolar: where u at

Hello_Pity_: bar called box. meet u here?

thegoldmolar: yeah

Hello_Pity_: u should meet my boyfriend. he loves you


thegoldmolar: sure

Hello_Pity_: [CRYING LAUGH EMOJI] LOL. Don't worry. It's not like that

thegoldmolar: wdym

Hello_Pity_: [CRAZY TONGUE OUT EMOJI] see u soon

He puts his phone down


There's a buzz going on. Very pretty people walk hand in hand on the street. There are people saying things, giving opinions, feeling interesting. Everyone has a purpose tonight. It's a great time

A couple walk by:

SUPER HANDSOME GUY: Swedish blah blah blah roscoe's wetsuit hahahaha!

SUPER PRETTY GIRL: blah blah, swedish blah blah roscoe's wetsuit!

The Boy walks up to a pink, glowing, but very discreet sign that says box. There's a big bald guy standing outside with no hat. There's steam coming off his head

A girl is standing outside smoking, at least trying to. She can't seem to get the cigarette lit. It's Alyssa


ALYSSA: Ah! It's you

She gives him a kiss on both cheeks

ALYSSA (CONT'D): Fancy meeting you like this, huh?

THE BOY: I don't know what you mean

She puts out her cigarette. After two big puffs

ALYSSA: Let's go

THE BOY: Didn't you want me to meet your boyfriend?

ALYSSA: Who? That guy?

She points to a corner of the building, a few steps from the front. A guy with long blonde hair (her boyfriend?)is making out with a girl in the cold

THE BOY: What am I getting into?

ALYSSA: Nothing. You're getting into nothing



The Boy and Alyssa walk slowly through the streets. It's very cold, so they're the only ones doing that

ALYSSA: What made you DM me?

THE BOY: I don't know anyone here

ALYSSA: Then why are you here?

THE BOY: My dad died. I have to pick him up


THE BOY: Doesn't matter at this point

ALYSSA: I know right? It's always how'd he die? Like if you know all the ways, you'll avoid it. Silly

She shivers

ALYSSA (CONT'D): I don't believe in small talk. What's the longest relationship you've been in?

THE BOY: Five years

ALYSSA: Wow. What happened?

THE BOY: I'm still in it


THE BOY: She does private web shows. We're not together. But it's a relationship, for sure

ALYSSA: I don't get it

THE BOY: I used to watch her online a while back. Then she quit and started doing private shows. Then it just started turning into talking. Mostly

ALYSSA: Wooooaah


ALYSSA: You're paying her to be your girlfriend or friend or whatever

THE BOY: Yes. But most people are paying for friends one way or another


THE BOY: Your boyfriend is making out with another girl right now. You don't really have room to judge

ALYSSA: I trust that I can never trust him. We're clear on that

THE BOY: Then why have him at all?

ALYSSA: Because he's honest. And I like that. He doesn't lie to either of us. That's special to me



The two are sitting on the bed staring at the urn on the table

ALYSSA: So that's your dad

THE BOY: That's my dad. That's what's left of him

ALYSSA: You guys close?


ALYSSA: You wanna talk about it



THE BOY (CONT'D): I'm going to make a drink

ALYSSA: Alright

The Boy gets up and goes into the living room. While he's in there, Alyssa gets up, takes the urn, and walks out of the room. The Boy hears the door slam

THE BOY: Alyssa?




The Boy runs out of the front doors. His breath, clouding in the night. He looks both ways and catches Alyssa turning a corner. He runs to the corner and meets her on the other side

THE BOY: What's going on

ALYSSA: Let's get rid of it. It's just bad for you

THE BOY: You have a TON of nerve judging me and my father's relationship, so much so, you just walk out with his ashes? I feel like what you're doing is against the law, but much like the fact he was cremated before I arrived, I don't know if it's illegal. I'm still pissed though

ALYSSA: We're gonna do this together

The Boy is pissed. He's trying not to blow up

ALYSSA (CONT'D): I had a sister. I did this when she died

THE BOY: Yes. That gives you the right

Alyssa digs in her pocket and pulls out her phone. She turns it on and the background is Alyssa and a girl that looks exactly like her. The Boy takes the phone



THE BOY: I know we agreed that it's dumb to ask since we're all headed that way anyway, but-

ALYSSA: Brain cancer. It was bad


ALYSSA (CONT'D): So crazy

She LOLs. They're still walking this entire time. They stop at the water. They stand there making small clouds for a moment

ALYSSA (CONT'D): You want to say something?

The Boy shrugs

ALYSSA (CONT'D): Alright-


The urn almost tips over the edge. She waits for him. He walks over and takes the urn and just holds it for a moment. Then he kinda hugs it. Laying his head on it, but turning his head so she can't see what he says:

THE BOY (CONT'D, whisper): I'm sorry we're alone


He pours out the ashes. He's gone

ALYSSA: How do you feel? Better?

THE BOY: I feel...the same


Alyssa and The Boy turn around. It's Alyssa's boyfriend

BOYFRIEND: What the fuck, bro?

ALYSSA: Oh, so you now you give a fuck

She pushes him back as he takes swipes at The Boy. The Boy is mildly annoyed. They're all yelling at each other

BOYFRIEND/THE BOY/ALYSSA: You're dead ass-hole!/ Relax, nothing happened/ Would you stop!

The boyfriend breaks free from her

BOYFRIEND: Do you know who the fuck I am?

ALYSSA: Please don't. Please don't do this

THE BOY: Nah, man. I don't know who you are

BOYFRIEND (CONT'D, scream): WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY! (silence) I. Wrote. That. That's my shit. I'm the nigga dressed like a fox. That's all me

THE BOY: What?

The boyfriend starts making the noises a fox makes in the song


ALYSSA (resigned, to The Boy): Like the song and video

THE BOY: I've never heard of it


ALYSSA: I thought you were the internet?

THE BOY: That's a tagline. No one is the actual internet. I just must've missed it when it was popular

BOYFRIEND: Uh, by when it was popular do you mean, uhhh, RIGHT THE FUCK NOW?!

THE BOY: Relax

BOYFRIEND: Two hundred and twenty million views on Youtube. Two hundred and twenty million. That's most of the earth

THE BOY: Not true

BOYFRIEND: An African village wrote to me-

THE BOY: The whole village did?

BOYFRIEND: -and told me that my song taught them about foxes. They don't have foxes there. I introduced the idea of a fox to an entire continent...(then) And you wanna fuck my girl?


THE BOY: I do not wanna fuck your girl. I don't want to be here. I am going home now

The Boy walks away. Alyssa and her boyfriend start a boring argument in the cold as he disappears



Fam, another girl, and The Boy sit in a booth at the restaurant. Fam and the girl are talking. The Boy is silent. Don't know if he's just bored or jet lagged from Sweden. Either way he's bumming everyone out

ANOTHER GIRL: My friend should be here soon

The Boy doesn't say anything. Fam and the girl look on

A girl walks up to the table. The Boy looks up. It's the girl from the party


The Boy doesn't say anything

ANOTHER GIRL: This is Naomi. (then) Hello?

FAM: He's dumb. You should just sit and ignore him

She sits down

NAOMI: You're the guy that almost hit my arm


NAOMI: You guys order?

THE BOY: No. I hate vegan. I think she's making us eat here

NAOMI: I'm the vegan. I asked to eat here


THE BOY: I hate vegan

NAOMI (saying it dumb): Duhh, I hate vegan

In his head, he was lol-ing. In real life, he just kinda looked down

NAOMI (CONT'D): What's the deal. Why you always act like your parents died

The Boy smirks

THE BOY: They did

Awkward. Silence

ANOTHER GIRL: I'm so sorry

Fam and The Boy stare at each other for a moment. Then laugh. Another Girl and Naomi do not

FAM (to The Boy): Your parents are dead, man

THE BOY: My parents are dead yo

They slowly stop laughing. Naomi thinks The Boy is weird. But she doesn't run


Fam and Another Girl are sitting on the swings smoking and talking about something they will never remember and don't really care about

Naomi and The Boy sit in the living room

NAOMI: What did he do?

THE BOY: I don't know

NAOMI: How'd he afford all this?

THE BOY: I don't know

NAOMI: Then how can you afford all this? He leave you a lot?

THE BOY: Creditors were after him. I don't know if he had anything left. I'm not concerned. (serious) I'm gonna sell drugs

Naomi LMAOs

NAOMI: Whaaaaaat

THE BOY: Fam can hook me up. I've been watching him for a minute. He runs out of here already

NAOMI: I don't think you need me to tell you you're an awful dealer

THE BOY: How would you even know?

NAOMI: You make everything feel awkward. You can't connect with anyone. How is anyone supposed to feel like they can trust you?

THE BOY: Yeah, that's what drug dealers are known for. Their comfort

NAOMI: They are, dumb-ass. You gotta know how people work. You're only good with people online

He slowly turns to her. how does she know that?

NAOMI (CONT'D): I looked you up

THE BOY: After the party or just now

NAOMI: Just now. I'm a writer too

THE BOY: Oh really

NAOMI: Yup. And I know I'm good cause people keep stealing my shit

She hits the vape

NAOMI (CONT'D): I tweeted this. (holds up her phone) Is that not my poem verbatim? I posted them together. This nigga just rapped this like it was his

THE BOY (looking at her phone): Your first mistake is being a poet past the year 1974, by the way

NAOMI: That's how good my shit is. I'm bringing the whole form back

THE BOY: You're cocky when you're high

NAOMI: No. I'm talkative when I'm high. I'm cocky all the time, but I'm silent for most of it...like you

He looks up. She lifts an eyebrow. He doesn't smile. She goes cross-eyed. No response. She stops, then sighs

NAOMI (CONT'D): You ever think we're in hell? This is all hell. Living on earth and being the only ones aware that it's all ending slowly



NAOMI: I read something that said more than likely we all just do this all again. It's all a cycle

THE BOY: I like that theory

NAOMI: Yeah. (then) See? You're not such a lonely boy

She LOLs and mushes his face with her hand. The Boy smh, but smiles

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Lyrics by Childish Gambino

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