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A Little Priest
Stephen Sondheim

MRS. LOVETT:

Seems a downright shame...

TODD: Shame?

LOVETT:

Seems an awful waste...

Such a nice, plump frame

Wot's 'is name has...

Had...

Has!

Nor it can't be traced...

Bus'ness needs a lift,

Debts to be erased...

Think of it as thrift,

As a gift,

If you get my drift!

No?

Seems an awful waste...

I mean, with the price of meat

What it is,

When you get it,

If you get it...

TODD: HAH!

LOVETT:

Good, you got it!

Take, for instance, Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop!

Bus'ness never better using only pussycats and toast!

And a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most!

And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste!

[Simultaneously]

TODD:

Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion

LOVETT:

Well, it does seem a waste...

TODD:

Eminently practical

And yet appropriate as always!

LOVETT:

It's an idea...

TODD:

Mrs. Lovett, how I've lived

Without you all these years, I'll never know!

How delectable!

Also undetectable!

LOVETT:

Think about it!

Lots of other gentlemen'll

Soon be comin' for a shave,

Won't they?

Think of

All them

Pies!

TODD:

How choice!

How

Rare!

TODD:

For what's the sound of the world out there?

LOVETT:

What, Mr. Todd?

What, Mr. Todd?

What is that sound?

TODD:

Those crunching noises pervading the air!

LOVETT:

Yes, Mr. Todd!

Yes, Mr. Todd!

Yes, all around!

TODD:

It's man devouring man, my dear!

BOTH:

And [LOVETT: Then] who are we to deny it in here?

TODD: (spoken) These are desperate times,

Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for!

LOVETT: Here we are, now! Hot out of the oven!

TODD: What is that?

LOVETT:

It's priest. Have a little priest.

TODD:

Is it really good?

LOVETT:

Sir, it's too good, at least!

Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh,

So it's pretty fresh.

TODD:

Awful lot of fat.

LOVETT:

Only where it sat.

TODD:

Haven't you got poet, or something like that?

LOVETT:

No, y'see, the trouble with poet is

'Ow do you know it's deceased?

Try the priest!

TODD: (spoken) Heavenly!

Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps,

But then again, not as bland as curate, either!

LOVETT:

And good for business, too -- always leaves you wantin' more!

Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays!

Lawyer's rather nice.

TODD:

If it's for a price.

LOVETT:

Order something else, though, to follow,

Since no one should swallow it twice!

TODD:

Anything that's lean.

LOVETT:

Well, then, if you're British and loyal,

You might enjoy Royal Marine!

Anyway, it's clean.

Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been!

TODD:

Is that squire,

On the fire?

LOVETT:

Mercy no, sir, look closer,

You'll notice it's grocer!

TODD:

Looks thicker,

More like vicar!

LOVETT:

No, it has to be grocer --

It's green!

TODD:

The history of the world, my love --

LOVETT:

Save a lot of graves,

Do a lot of relatives favors!

TODD:

Is those below serving those up above!

LOVETT:

Ev'rybody shaves,

So there should be plenty of flavors!

TODD:

How gratifying for once to know

BOTH:

That those above will serve those down below!

LOVETT: (spoken) Now let's see, here... We've got tinker.

TODD: Something... pinker.

LOVETT: Tailor?

TODD: Paler.

LOVETT: Butler?

TODD: Subtler.

LOVETT: Potter?

TODD: Hotter.

LOVETT: Locksmith?

Lovely bit of clerk.

TODD:

Maybe for a lark.

LOVETT:

Then again there's sweep

If you want it cheap

And you like it dark!

Try the financier,

Peak of his career!

TODD:

That looks pretty rank.

LOVETT:

Well, he drank,

It's a bank

Cashier.

Never really sold.

Maybe it was old.

TODD:

Have you any Beadle?

LOVETT:

Next week, so I'm told!

Beadle isn't bad till you smell it and

Notice 'ow well it's been greased...

Stick to priest!

(spoken) Now then, this might be a little bit stringy,

But then of course it's... fiddle player!

TODD: No, this isn't fiddle player -- it's piccolo player!

LOVETT: 'Ow can you tell?

TODD: It's piping hot!

LOVETT: Then blow on it first!

TODD:

The history of the world, my sweet --

LOVETT:

Oh, Mr. Todd,

Ooh, Mr. Todd,

What does it tell?

TODD:

Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat!

LOVETT:

And, Mr. Todd,

Too, Mr. Todd,

Who gets to sell!

TODD:

But fortunately, it's also clear

BOTH:

That [L: But] ev'rybody goes down well with beer!

LOVETT: (spoken)

Since marine doesn't appeal to you, 'ow about... rear admiral?

TODD: Too salty. I prefer general.

LOVETT: With, or without his privates? With is extra.

TODD: What is that?

LOVETT:

It's fop.

Finest in the shop.

And we have some shepherd's pie peppered

With actual shepherd on top!

And I've just begun --

Here's the politician, so oily

It's served with a doily,

Have one!

TODD:

Put it on a bun.

Well, you never know if it's going to run!

LOVETT:

Try the friar,

Fried, it's drier!

TODD:

No, the clergy is really

Too coarse and too mealy!

LOVETT:

Then actor,

That's compacter!

TODD:

Yes, and always arrives overdone!

I'll come again when you have JUDGE on the menu!

LOVETT: (spoken) Wait! True, we don't have judge yet,

But we've got something you might fancy even better.

TODD: What's that?

LOVETT: Executioner!

TODD:

Have charity towards the world, my pet!

LOVETT:

Yes, yes, I know, my love!

TODD:

We'll take the customers that we can get!

LOVETT:

High-born and low, my love!

TODD:

We'll not discriminate great from small!

No, we'll serve anyone,

Meaning anyone,

BOTH:

And to anyone

At all!


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Lyrics by Stephen Sondheim

  \   A Hero Is Coming   A Parade In Town   A weekend in the country   Agony   America   Another Hundred People   Another National Anthem   Anyone Can Whistle   Anyone Can Whistle (Demo Track) [#][*][Demo Versio...   Anyone Can Whistle [From Anyone Can Whistle]   Arlette By Night   Back In Business   Being Alive   Broadway Baby   Can That Boy Fox Trot   Children Will Listen   Comedy Tonight   Epiphany   Everybody Loves Leona   Everybody Ought To Have A Maid   Everybody's Got The Right   Everything's Coming Up Roses   Finishing the Hat   Gee Officer Krupke   Green Finch And Linnet Bird   Happily Ever After   Have To Give Her Someone   I Must Be Dreaming   I Never Do Anything Twice   I Remember   I Wish I Could Forget You   I'm All For You   I'm Still Here   Incidental Music   Interesting Questions   Invocation And Instructions To The Audience   Isn't He Something   Johanna (From Sweeny Todd)   Ladies Who Lunch   Live Alone And Like It   Live Alone and Like It (From Dick Tracy)   Losing My Mind   Marry Me A Little   Marry Me a Little [From Company]   No Mary Ann   No More   No One Is Alone   Not A Day Goes By   Old Friends   Pretty Women   Second Midnight   Send In The Clowns   Somewhere   Sooner or Later   Take Me To The World   The Ballad Of Booth   The Ballad Of Sweeney Todd   The Boy From   The Miller's Son   The Worst Pies In London   There Is No Other Way   There's Something About A War   They Ask Me Why I Believe In You   This Week Americans   Tonight   Waiting For The Girls Upstairs   Water Under The Bridge   Welcome To Kanagawa   What Can You Lose?   Wo sind die Clowns?

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