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The Internet Is for Porn
Stephanie D'Abruzzo

KATE MONSTER
(spoken)
Finally! I get to teach a whole lesson all by myself!
And I'm gonna teach something relevant, something
Modern -- the internet!

(sung)
The internet is really really great.
TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!

KATE MONSTER
I got a fast connection so I didn't have to wait.

TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!

KATE MONSTER
There's always some new site.

TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!

KATE MONSTER
I browse all day and night.

TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!

KATE MONSTER
It's like I'm surfing at the speed of light.

TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!

KATE MONSTER
(spoken)
Trekkie!

TREKKIE MONSTER
(sung)
The internet is for porn! The internet is for porn!
Why do you think the net was born?
Porn! Porn! Porn!

KATE MONSTER
(spoken)
Trekkie! What are you doing?

TREKKIE MONSTER
Hello, Kate Monster.

KATE MONSTER
You are ruining my song.

TREKKIE MONSTER
Oh, me sorry. Me no mean to.

KATE MONSTER
Well, if you wouldn't mind, please, being
Quiet for a minute so I can finish?

TREKKIE MONSTER
Okey-dokey.

KATE MONSTER
Good.

(sung)
I'm glad we have this new technology.
TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn. (oop!)

KATE MONSTER
Which gives us untold opportunity.

TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn. (ooops, sorry!)

KATE MONSTER
Right from your own desktop...

TREKKIE MONSTER
For p----.

KATE MONSTER
You can research, browse and shop...
Until you've had enough and you're ready to stop!

TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!

KATE MONSTER
Trekkie!

TREKKIE MONSTER
The internet is for porn!
The internet is for porn!
The internet is for porn!
Me up all night honking me
Horn to porn, porn, porn!

KATE MONSTER
(spoken)
That's gross! You're a pervert!

TREKKIE MONSTER
Ahh, sticks and stones, Kate Monster.

KATE MONSTER
No, really, you're a pervert! Normal people
Don't sit at home and look at porn on the internet!

TREKKIE MONSTER
Ohhhhh?

KATE MONSTER
What?

TREKKIE MONSTER
You have no idea. Ready, normal people?

BRIAN
Ready!

GARY COLEMAN
Ready!

ROD
Ready!

TREKKIE MONSTER
Lemme hear it!

(sung)
GUYS
The internet is for porn.

PRINCETON
Sorry, Kate!

GUYS
The internet is for porn.

PRINCETON
I masturbate!

TREKKIE MONSTER
All these guys unzip their flies for...

GUYS
Porn! Porn! Porn!

(spoken)
KATE MONSTER
The internet is not for porn!
Hold on a second!

TREKKIE MONSTER
Wha?

KATE MONSTER
Now, I happen to know for a fact that you, Rod,
Check your portfolio and trade stocks online.

ROD
That's correct.

KATE MONSTER
And Brian, you buy things on Amazon.com!

BRIAN
Sure.

KATE MONSTER
And Gary, you keep selling your possessions on eBay!

GARY COLEMAN
Yes, I do!

KATE MONSTER
And Princeton, you sent me that sweet online birthday card.

PRINCETON
True.

TREKKIE MONSTER
But Kate... what you think he do after, hmmm?

PRINCETON
Yeah.

KATE MONSTER
Ewww!

(sung)
GUYS
The internet is for porn.
The internet is for porn.
Grab your dick and double click
For porn! Porn! Porn!
Poooorn!
Poooorn!
The internet is for,
Internet is for,
Internet is for porn!

KATE
(spoken simultaneously)
Gross! I hate porn! I hate men!
I'm leaving! I hate the internet!


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Lyrics by Stephanie D'Abruzzo

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